What I gained from COVID (besides 15 pounds)
The pandemic has been rough on me. Yes, I know I’m not uniquely alone in this, but sometimes it feels like we’re the only ones tasting our particular flavor of suffering. When things really started to take hold in the U.S., I was focused on getting my daughter out of the hot spot city she was living in, keeping us safe, and where to find toilet paper and hand sanitizer. It started to become clear to us that this wasn’t going to be a one-week lay low and go back to normal kind of thing. People at work were starting to refer to weeks instead of days, and my daughter was starting to talk about joining her partner in Alabama where he was staying.
I started to feel very anxious at the thought of one of us getting seriously sick, and perhaps even more anxious about being an isolated extrovert for a whole month. (Side note: had I known it was going to be way longer than one month, the anxiety would have been much worse. Sometimes it’s a good thing we don’t know what we know until we know 😉.) There were so many unknowns that were making me fearful - the word “unprecedented” was being thrown around a lot. I wanted my daughter to be free to live her life the way that is best for her, but I was very anxious about the thought of her leaving. She offered to stay if I wanted, but she needed to make a decision soon. Was she staying or leaving? “Just give me a few minutes to get clear,” I said.
So I stepped out of the room - my breath was coming fast and shallow. And I prayed my form of prayer. I took a few deep breaths, put my hand on my heart, and I asked my spirit team for help, for clarity, and surrendered it all to God. And as soon as I did, I had almost instant clarity. I was told: the virus is not the enemy - fear is the enemy you’re battling. Fear of what will happen to my loved ones, to me, fear of being isolated, fear of the unknown.
Fear is a nasty beast. And I looked that (bleeping) beast in the eye and I told it to STAND DOWN. I felt brave, I felt powerful, I felt bigger than my fear, and I felt completely at peace. I had a knowing that this was meant for me to overcome, and that I would, and all would be well. You know, when you get good at this surrender thing, it literally can take you 3 minutes to get answers and reach a peaceful, clear state.
And wouldn’t it be lovely if the story ended here and I lived happily ever after having finally conquered the beast? Um, probably not too realistic. The point is, we will face our beasts again - particularly if they are themes for us. I consider themes a loving gift the Universe keeps giving me as an opportunity to grow and heal. Like I’m being told, ‘Becky, we want you to be happy - here’s an opportunity to overcome this thing that’s holding you back from your happiness, dear one.’ And much as we’d like to skip the lesson, or go over it, under it, around it….there’s no way but straight on through it. We can learn it now or learn it later, because rest assured it will keep coming up until we look the beast in the eye and tell it to stand down. And then the beast starts to soften a bit, or maybe shows up for dinner less often.
So, yes, I did have fearful and dark moments off and on throughout the next several months. But I got better at understanding what it is I’m supposed to learn here, and moved through them faster. As Bill Phillips said, “progress, not perfection.” I’ll take it.
So, what did I gain from COVID-19 besides 10-15 pounds (some of which I’ve lost)? I spent the next several months going much deeper into my spirituality, following different thought leaders on YouTube. I learned that there is no monster stronger than I am. And I learned that grace and clarity are always available when you truly surrender and ask for help.
When I look back on the hardships in my life, there’s always a little gift or two tucked inside the painful situation. Sometimes I don’t see the gifts until I’m through the storm, but more and more often I’m blessed with seeing them in the moment. And that is a truly magical thing.
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